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  JOKELOPEDIA

  The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever

  Complied by

  Ilana Weitzman, Eva Blank, Alison Benjamin, Rosanne Green, and Lisa Sparks

  Illustrations by

  Mike Wright

  WORKMAN PUBLISHING • NEW YORK

  So you want to be funny? Welcome to Jokelopedia. We see it as a big, thick reminder of the lighter side of life and hope you use it to make your friends and family groan and smile—although not necessarily in that order.

  Do you know what a shaggy-dog joke is? Have you ever seen a chicken cross the road? Well, you will soon. Would you like to make your classmates laugh so hard at lunchtime that milk comes out of their noses? Do you feel like wowing them with humor history from the Three Stooges or The Simpsons? Do you want to tell the funniest jokes, learn how your favorite comedians made a living before comedy, how sitcoms came to be, and how to make people laugh, your way? If so, this is the book for you.

  With contributions from kids, tricky tongue twisters, long long jokes, short short jokes, and general crazy ideas and tips, this just might be the funniest book ever. No joke.

  Contents

  Tall Tails

  Animals with Attitude

  Critter Jitters

  Creepy, Crawly, Slimy, Slithery Things

  Fowl Play

  Birds of a Feather Flock Together

  Sounds Fishy to Me

  It’ll Hook You Right Away

  Classy Jokes

  Classroom Distractions

  Bad Apples

  And PCs, Too!

  'Snot Funny

  Eeew, Gross!

  Rocket Science

  All the Mysteries of Outer Space, Made More Confusing

  Family Funnies

  Brothers, Sisters, and Aunts of Step-uncles

  Objects of Amusement

  Household Items Unite

  Truly Tasteless Jokes

  Food Strikes Back

  Showbiz Shenanigans

  Games with Famous Names

  Sounding a Funny Note

  Bust a Gut in the Band Room

  Athletic Antics

  Really Sock It to ’Em in the Gym

  Funny Business

  Humor at Work

  Doc-Doc Jokes

  You Need a Lot of Patients for This Chapter!

  Cops and Ribbers

  A Humorous Twist on the Beat of Life

  How Many Elephants …

  … Can You Fit in a Joke Book?

  Monster-osities

  Ghouls, Goblins, and the Like

  Really Old Jokes

  Extinct Animals and Funny Fossils

  TALL TAILS

  Animals with Attitude

  Did you hear the one about the lion who ate clowns?

  You’ll roar.

  What do you call a cat who eats a lemon?

  A sourpuss.

  Why shouldn’t you shortchange a skunk?

  It’s bound to make a stink.

  What did the judge say when the skunk came in to testify?

  “Odor in the court!”

  There were these two buddies out walking their dogs, one with a Doberman pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua, when they smelled something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

  The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

  The buddy with the Doberman says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of dark glasses and walks into the restaurant, when the restaurant owner comes up and says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

  The man with the Doberman replies, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog.”

  The owner, skeptical, says, “A Doberman pinscher?”

  The Doberman’s master says, “Yes, they’re using them now—they’re very good and they protect me from robbers, too.” The owner says, “Come on in.”

  When the man with the Chihuahua sees this, he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the restaurant owner says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

  The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog.”

  A Chihuahua?” says the owner.

  The man with the dog replies, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

  What do you call an overweight cat?

  A flabby tabby.

  Why was the rabbit so unhappy?

  She was having a bad hare day.

  How do you catch a squirrel?

  Climb a tree and act like a nut.

  THE MAKING OF A COMEDIAN

  Step 1: What Is a Joke Made Of?

  What makes a joke a joke? What is the difference between the biggest, best, silliest, dumbest, dopiest joke ever and one that falls totally flat?

  First is the setup. Launch right into the joke. Make sure you know the whole thing backward and forward—there’s nothing quite as embarrassing as realizing you forgot the funny part.

  Next is timing. Comedic timing is a skill that takes lots and lots of practice to perfect. Don’t rush through your joke. Give your audience time to figure it out. But don’t wait too long or they’ll lose interest.

  Finally: the punch line. This is the last part of a joke—the part you’ve been building up to, whether you’ve been telling a long shaggy-dog joke (more on those later!) or a short-’n’-sweet riddle. It’s the funny part. Tell it loudly and firmly. Don’t laugh in the middle of it or you’ll ruin the suspense. Leave that up to your audience. The punch line should have an effect like its name—a punch of silliness, right to the funny bone.

  BOOK TITLES We’d Love to See:

  Are You a Liar? by I.M. Knott

  World Travel by I.M. Tyred and Jett L’Agg

  Fibbing Effectively by Liza Lott

  101 Ways to Miss a Day of School by Ben Barphin

  101 Hot ’n’ Spicy Meals by Tung Payne

  The Art of Flossing by Dr. D. Kay

  Getting Dirty by Anita Bath

  Junk Food by Chip Eaton

  The Ways of Poker by Ahmal Inn

  Counting by Juan Toothree

  Outdoor Furniture by Pat T. O’Chairs

  A woman walks into a diner carrying a dog under her arm. She puts the dog on the counter and announces that the dog can talk. The woman says she has $100 she’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t. The head cook quickly takes the bet, and the dog’s owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps the rain out?”

  The dog answers, “Roof.” The cook says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying.”

  The dog’s owner says, “Double or nothing, and I’ll ask him something else.” The cook agrees and the owner turns to her dog and asks, “Who was the greatest baseball player ever?”

  The dog answers with a muffled “Ruth.”

  With that the cook picks them both up and tosses them out on the street. As they bounce on the sidewalk in front of the diner, the dog looks at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”

  Funny Fact

  Did you know it takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown?

  What kind of language do porcupines speak?

  Spine language.

  How did the tree feel after the beaver left?

  Gnawed so good.

  A man sitting in a movie theater notices that there is a bear sitting next to him. Finally he turns to the bear and says, “Aren’t you a bear?” The bear nods, so the man says, “So what are you doing at the movies?” The bear says, “Well, I liked the book.”

  What did the baby porcupine say to the cactus?

  “Is that you, Mommy?”

  Knock, knock.


  Who’s there?

  The interrupting cow.

  The interrup—

  MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  One day, a cat died of natural causes and went to heaven. There he met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter said to the cat, “You have lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

  The cat thought for a moment and said, “All my life I have lived with a poor family and have had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

  “Say no more,” Saint Peter replied, and poof! A wonderful, fluffy pillow appeared.

  A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic farming accident and went to heaven. Again there was Saint Peter to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?” Instantly each mouse was fitted with a beautiful pair of roller skates.

  About a week later, Saint Peter stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow. He gently woke the cat and asked, “How are things for you since coming to heaven?”

  The cat stretched, yawned, and replied, “It’s wonderful here—even better than I could have expected. Especially those meals-on-wheels you’ve been sending by—those are the best!”

  Jane asks Mark: “What do you call a deer with no eyes?”

  Mark shrugs and says, “No-eye deer.”

  What type of shoes do bears wear?

  None. They go bear foot.

  What do you get from a pampered cow?

  Spoiled milk.

  What do you get when you cross a mountain lion with a parrot?

  I don’t know, but when it talks, you’d better listen!

  Why was the cat so small?

  Because it drank only condensed milk!

  Two women are out hiking when a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first woman gets her sneakers out of her backpack and puts them on. The second woman says, “What are you doing?”

  The first woman says, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll jump down and make a run for it.”

  The second woman says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear.”

  The first woman says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear…. I only have to outrun you!”

  What did the 500-pound canary say as he walked down the street?

  “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.”

  Why aren’t leopards any good at hide-and-seek?

  Because they’re always spotted.

  Why do you have to be careful when it rains cats and dogs?

  To make sure you don’t step in a poodle.

  Why should you be careful when playing against a team of big cats?

  They might be cheetahs.

  While walking along the street, a man saw a sign that said: TALKING DOG FOR SALE, $10. The man couldn’t believe his ears when the dog said, “Please buy me. I’m a great dog. I played professional football. I was even nominated most valuable player.”

  “That dog really does talk!” the man gasped. “Why in the world do you want to sell him for only ten dollars?”

  “He never played professional football,” said the dog’s owner, “and I can’t stand liars.”

  SPOTLIGHT

  Saturday Night Live

  Saturday Night Live began in 1975 as a showcase for talented young comedians. A television producer named Lorne Michaels created the show as a series of comedic skits, called sketches, that would air live. Although each show is loosely scripted and rehearsed, the live taping encourages improvisation and quick thinking among the cast.

  A cast of comedians plays different characters in the sketches during the 90-minute show, which airs around 11:30 p.m. on Saturday nights in the Eastern time zone. Each week, a celebrity host—usually a movie or TV star—opens the show with a monologue and appears in a few skits, and a popular music group performs a few songs on the air as well.

  SNL, as it is commonly known, has launched the careers of many comedians and comic actors, including several of those featured in this book. Adam Sandler, Tina Fey, and Will Ferrell all performed on SNL. Many comics who appear on the show create distinctive characters for their skits—Mike Myers’s Wayne Campbell and “Wayne’s World,” for example. SNL writers and actors pay close attention to current events in order to shape the show. For more than 38 years, the show has been the place to be for up-and-coming comic talent and a witty look at what’s happening in the world.

  What do you call a cat who can bowl?

  An alley cat.

  BEHIND THE PUNCH LINE:

  Sitcoms

  A situation comedy, or sitcom for short, is a television show format that features a humorous conflict and resolution in each episode. We watch sitcoms because the characters get themselves tangled up in the most ridiculous situations! Often, it’s extra funny because the audience knows exactly what’s going on, while the characters involved are clueless. TV producers who create sitcoms hire comedy writers to think up zany scenarios and write funny lines for the show’s script. Since there are a variety of characters to work with, these writers have a flexibility that stand-up comedians don’t have: They can make the characters trade lines back and forth, blurting out unexpected quips or funny comebacks with very funny results.

  We showcase classic shows like Seinfeld, I Love Lucy, and Full House in Jokelopedia. Watch for them!

  What do you call a cat who’s been thrown in the dryer?

  Fluffy.

  What do you call a cat who gets thrown in the dryer and is never found again?

  Socks.

  What did the cat get on the test?

  A purr-fect score.

  What do you give to an injured pig?

  Oinkment.

  What animal has more lives than a cat?

  A frog. It croaks every night.

  What has six eyes but can’t see?

  Three blind mice.

  What do you get when you cross Lassie with a rose?

  A collie flower.

  One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo, and he figures he’ll try to earn some money performing. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

  The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

  The next morning the mime puts on a gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd arrives. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play, and make fun of people, and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

  However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored with swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a divider, and dangles from the top of the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

  This goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and the mime’s salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day while he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers himself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling “Help me! Help me!” but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back, looking up at the angry lion, who growls, “Shut up, you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

  BEHIND THE PUNCH LINE:

  Improvisati
ons

  An improvisation is a comedy routine made up on the spot. A group of actors performing “improv,” as it is known, often ask the audience for suggestions on the subjects of their routines, and then structure the comedy around whatever topic the audience gives them. For example, a member of the group might yell out to the audience, “We need a subject for a talk show!” Someone in the audience might yell back, “Broccoli addiction support group!” The actors will then pretend that they are talking about their issues with broccoli on Oprah. Improv is fun for the audience, too, because it makes them feel like they are part of the show.

  Improvisation gives actors a chance to develop their comedy “chops.” They need the fast pace of this technique to keep them on their toes. Saturday Night Live is based on improvisation, although the actors have scripted notes and cue cards to help them out at times.

  It takes a lot of skill to keep a joke going for a long time and still make it funny. If you lose your audience, the routine loses its energy.

  Most colleges and universities have improv groups for students, and there are a few professional troupes as well. Some of the most famous improv troupes include the Groundlings in Los Angeles, the Second City in Chicago, and the Upright Citizens Brigade in New York, all of which have seen more than a few actors go on to become stars.

  There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o’clock) a horse called Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $5,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.

  What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?

  A bird who hogs the conversation.

  A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing cards with his dog. He watched the game in amazement for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”